*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
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Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Y’all know who you are.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is