Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
🤣✨#caturday
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.