4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
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me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
December birthdays be like…
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.