BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.