Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
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“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
In space, no one can hear…
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
You better watch out
Twitter remains undefeated
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
This headline is a thing of beauty
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.