Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
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*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER