Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner