Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
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Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.