My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
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I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.