Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
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This did not end as expected.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.