[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor