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I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.