My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
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I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Tough love is true love
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.