Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
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when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
2023 was just a warmup
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
The future is now.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy