4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know