my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
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Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.