I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
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*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
These 3D printers are insane!
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I feel it
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that