Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
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[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.