My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.