King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
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I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Good morning!
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?