The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them