Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
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6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.