Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?