i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
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I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex