ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
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Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.