Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
“What movie?” 🤔
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.