Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
You Might Also Like
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Nice try Hitler
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy