excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
You Might Also Like
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Strange
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
hmmm
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.