I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts