“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
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I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
asking santa clause for nudes
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant