Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
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[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true