*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed