My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
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Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.