Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
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The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Just ordered me some pizza!
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love