Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day