Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
just got my engagement photos
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.