Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
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your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
pelicons
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
lol
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.