I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
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Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
This trial is so absurd 😭
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
fair
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die