titanic
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
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*go back once more*
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.