If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Me too, bag. Me too….
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.