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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
British websites use biscuits.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home