[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
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*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
what day is it?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.