Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
You Might Also Like
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true