date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking