Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
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My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher