Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
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When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?