My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Breaking news:
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”