*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
You Might Also Like
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
podcasts
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired