It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
You Might Also Like
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through