Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
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INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!